After arriving here in Japan, I have discovered that the concept of
Gaijin Superpowers is not quite as farcical as I’d first thought.
After comparing notes with some of the other local foreigners, on
occasion we have all noticed the presence of these supposed abilities
when interacting with the Japanese. For the purposes of clarity, the
known list includes:
Gaijin Smash – The ability to manipulate the outcome of a given
situation by using your will in an overbearing manner to dominate the
Japanese.
Gaijin Optic Blast – A ranged version of the Gaijin Smash,
particularly effective on trains. If correctly mastered, you can even
get a physical flinching response from your target.
Gaijin Perimeter – The ability to project an invisible barrier around
yourself that only the Japanese can sense and thus be repelled by it.
It’s range and effectiveness grows exponentially with the addition of
other gaijin – particularly tall males.
Gaijin Power (AKA: Gaijin Charisma) – Similar to a vampire’s ability
to mesmerize (and considered by many Japanese to be just as unholy),
it is the ability to charm Japanese members of the opposite sex
despite the best efforts of any Japanese that might try to compete
with you. This power is more common to gaijin males, but instances of
use by gaijin females have also been reported.
Gaijin Telepathy – This is the ability that gaijin use not only to
communicate with each other, but also to gather necessary information
from their Japanese co-workers when such information is otherwise
being withheld.
… as well as a couple of newer ones that some of the local JETs and
I have identified:
Gaijin Locator – The ability to instantly locate other gaijin amongst
large crowds of Japanese people.
Gaijin Constitution – The ability to withstand and thrive in frigid
temperatures that the Japanese consider to be unbearable. Note that
this is usually anything lower than 19 degrees Celsius.
Recent Notable Additions:
Gaijin Invisibility (from Futureal) – Confusing Japanese people by
speaking to them while being an invisible non-socializable entity, and
forcing them to turn immediately to the nearest Japanese person and
ask for confirmation of what the wind just said.
Gaijin Disguise (also from Futureal)- Asian gaijins’ ability to
temporarily fool Japanese into forgetting that they’re in the presence
of outsiders. Note that this nullifies most other Gaijin Superpowers
for its duration.
Gaijin Police Teflon (from kydynamic)- Ability to slip out of the grip
of Japanese police officers by staring at them blankly, claiming
ignorance of the law, claiming stupidity, and potentially involving a
lot more paperwork than the officer wants to do. Note: only 68%
reliable and potentially a way to get in even more trouble. Still
being perfected back at the Gaiquarters.
** This just in from Gaiquarters R&D: rate of success with this power
can increase to at least 85% if combined with the use of high-speed
English, a lot of frantic hand-waving and speaking absolutely no
Japanese. **
The Gaijin Slip (also kdynamic) – When a gaijin pisses off a coworker,
superior, or girlfriend or boyfriend, the Gaijin Slip can be called
upon with a simple shrug of the shoulders and an offhanded mention
that gaijin just say or do things like the offence in question, and
uh, the gaijin’s really sorry and stuff.
Gaijin Stun (from Power-up!) – The ability to throw any and all
Japanese parties encountered into a panic-inducing confusion by a
combination of both physical appearance and use of crappy Japanese.
This shock and confusion often allows the gaijin to get what they are
after with relative ease or have the most elementary task done for
them.
Gaijin Tongues (Futureal again)- Mastery of a language with such
magnetism that people will pay half a day’s wages just to hear it for
an hour.
Gaijin Wa Disruptor (Noritsujin) – The ability to disrupt the psychic
harmony of an entire group of Japanese — regardless of number — and
thereby increase their susceptibility to other gaijin powers. This is
often used as an opposite to the Gaijin Disguise.
Gaijin Charge (from madmonkey) – The ability to withstand the constant
barrage of identical questions voiced by nearly all Japanese upon
first meeting. Anger is stored for use at a later
day when said Gaijin
chooses to relase all pent up emotion in the form of one final
devastating attack.
Gaijin Superhero Creed: Though we are here in Japan on a mission of
peace, we shall call upon the full arsenal of gaijin superpowers to
aid us whenever the situation might call for them. We shall battle our
nefarious foe, known to all as the evil Nihonjinron & his sidekick
Nihonjin Apathy, and strike a blow in the name of internationalisation
and common sense!
<cue superhero theme music>
) But it was worth it…. (ie: I stood up for maybe 15 seconds.)
